Hating and Spiting

When haters pull up in traffic
And put their noses into your car
You can feel how evil and tragic
Their spiting and loathing are

Everyone’s Saving Grace

Nobody’s utterly useless. We all possess at least one saving grace – one tall talent – that makes the whole world stop, and take nonplussed notice. And we all have the urgent urge to flaunt it foolishly. So, what’s yours?

Crazy Concert Costs

You would be cast crudely from the queue to a live entertainment event if you offered only GH¢10 ($7.15). You would need to bleed at least GH¢40 ($29) for local/African artistes, and GH¢100 ($72) for American artistes.

Lemonade & Lunch

Thankfully, GHc10 ($7.15) will lavish you a flagon of lemonade and lunch on a laze-about week day - a healthy hoarding of fine-grain gari foto and pan-fried chevon, or frugal fufu with gleeful goat-light, or yummy yam and garden-egg stew (kobi and all) or jolly jollof rice and chicken. OH, STOP IT! ....... How many earn GHc10 a day? ... and legitimately?

9 Litres of Petrol

GHC10 ($7.15) won’t get you 2 gallons of gasoline, goddammit! And still, Accra navigates a sea full of SUVs. Plus this equatorial fireplace demands the full nyanya.

*Nyanya = air conditioning.

No Cheap Movie Ticket

GH¢10 ($7.14) won’t admit you to Ghana’s only real cinema. It will take one-and-a-half times that. I’ve heard it said that most families, here, must live on less than $1 daily, judging from the wages.

10 Ghana Cedis

Dear Reader, this week, I will explore the theme posts again. I’m going to discover what GHC10 can do for a person. That’s about US$7.15. Maybe, I will rather discover what it cannot do. Maybe you want to share what you can(not) do with US$7.15, or its equivalent, wherever you are. First post coming up later today. Thank you.

I Wish I'd Learned That Sooner

I wish I had learned sooner the power of attention to detail.

I wish I had learned sooner the futility of getting a woman to like you simply by being nice to her.

I wish I had learned sooner the power of self-love.

I wish I had learned sooner who my real friends were.

I wish I had learned sooner the importance of food and sleep.

I wish I had learned sooner to do legal research well.

I wish I had learned sooner the perils of emotional dependence.

I wish I had learned sooner to speak my true mind always.

I wish I had learned sooner that ism would always be a part of life.

I wish I had learned sooner to live life less intensely.

What do you wish you had learned sooner?

The Merchant and the Leper 5

Part 5: The Liver of a Leper

The King’s beloved daughter fell ill
Could not be healed by prayer or pill
The Leper whispered in the King’s ear
Let the Merchant heal her or die here

He travelled to distant lands and ‘hoods
Until he met the Spirit of the Woods
Who knew an ancient healing plan –
The liver of a freshly killed man

The Merchant returned to the King’s palace
“I have the cure”, he said with a hiss
“Kipper, pepper, liver of a leper!
"I'm pretty sure that will help her"

Before the western sun went down
The Princess walked through the town
But the Leper was seen no more
It’s said his death was all agony and gore!

The End

The Merchant and the Leper 4

Part 4: The Bull and the Snake

A stranger plot is then hatched
Its evil intent most unmatched
“See the fiery bull in the fields
“Go yell till its life it yields”

Sitting on the wooden fence
The Merchant has lost hope and sense
His friend, the serpent, crawls to him
And offers to save his wealth and limb

“I will sneak upon the bull
“When you’re screaming loud and full
“Unseen by your foes and their gangs
“I will kill it with a stab of my fangs”

So, the bull was “screamed” to death
Seemed just give up on breath
(There were more tasks planned from hell
Until calamity befell)

The Merchant and the Leper 3

Part 3: Millions of Grain

The Leper goes to see the King
More intrigue does he bring:
“You made it easy, and he won
“Set him a more difficult one.”

“Take him to your Great Granary
(’Bout which you sing like a canary)
“Mix up all the grain of the land
“Let him separate each kind by hand”

The kind Merchant is sad again
As he walks, all can see his pain
He meets the Ant who he’s helped before
The Ant brings his colony to the grain store

Rice and Barley, Oats and Wheat
All are sorted nice and neat
When King and Leper come to check
They both go like “What the heck!”

The Merchant and the Leper 2

Part 2: The Baobab Tree

“Pick all the fruit off the Baobab Tree”
Was the King’s insane decree
“But drop not a leaf to ground
“Or I’ll take your dollar and pound”

The merchant went weeping on his way
His future looked bleak and grey
How could he this task execute?
No one could pick just the fruit!

He met the playful monkey
Who he’d helped a time or three
“Today your kindness will save you,
“Of trees, I know a thing or two.”

Swinging here and there
Was not done with lesser care
Down in no time are the pods
But not a single leaf plods.

The Merchant and the Leper 1

Part 1: Kindness Repaid

A kind, old Merchant rides homeward
With his caravan from abroad
He sees a Leper at the roadside
And brings him home to reside

Rather than give great gratitude
The Leper picks an attitude
He’s torn, by green envy, apart
At the Merchant’s golden heart

The Leper goes to see the King
And taunts his blue blood to pink
“Why do you sit idle and weak,
“While the Merchant’s riches peak?”

“What shall I do”, the King enquires
“Whatever your sovereign will requires!”
“Set tasks he cannot do,
“Then seize his wealth and due!”

Series - The Merchant & The Leper

It's been a while since I wrote a series. For the rest of this week, we will serialise the story of the Merchant and the Leper. It teaches a lesson at the end. Enjoy.

Signs of Love

When a strange, unintelligible language comes out of my mouth in a donkey voice.
Because I'm thinking so much about what to do or say that my brain is not connected to my speech!

On Special Occasions, I Wear ...

Me Gas Mask

I'd like to boast that there's some priceless, once-in-a-year article of clothing or accessory I keep for special occasions only. But I have no lucky drawers or boxers or swinging chain, other bling or earring. So, I'm staid in that area, unless you count fragrances. Who do you wear on special occasions?

5 High-School Valentine Tales

Kwame

Each year had its “Moneybags” – the most extravagant present-giver. Kwame had saved for long – he wanted the title so badly. At 4 a.m., he sent 10 junior boys to her dormitory, with a ton of goodies. At 7 a.m., she sent 10 junior girls to return the unopened presents at the DINING HALL!

Maame

All the girls waited to open their presents together. Maame’s cake box was the biggest, brightest and heaviest by far. She waited till she was the centre of attention, and then she began the slow, teasing unwrapping. It was a cake all right, but it was a gari cake, with red close-up toothpaste for icing! Sucker!

* Gari = Roasted manioc granules

Nana, Patrick, Kwasi & 50 Others

Sometimes, you just didn't have the money to compete, but couldn't get her to understand. So, 1 week before the Day, you kicked up a baseless fight, and broke up. No need for presents. You waited for 5 days, and went back to you were sorry.

Linda, Ama, Melissa & 200 Others

When a self-respecting girl looked into the Valentine crystal ball, a week before the Day, and found herself “gnashing” (i.e. attracting no male attention) she would suddenly jelly-and-jam up to a nice guy or 2 in hopes of rapid, romantic reciprocity!

Tricia, Akua & Nana Akosua & 50 Other Desperados

When the writing was on the wall that all the last-minute sucking up would attract no attention, the smartest girls sneaked into town, bought impressive presents, wrapped them up the way only a girl could, and couriered it right back to themselves in a boy’s name! Wow!

Poetry: 24-Hour News

3 news items, over the past day, keep coming back to me.

*Students of Archbishop Porter Girls School in Takoradi, Ghana, got severe food poisoning after eating school food last night. It appears to be an offence to eat alternative food to the bad school-issue.

100 girls went off to school
Eating, there, was a stiff rule
Like many a useless control tool
Now, the girls are oozing stool

*The president recently reshuffled his cabinet. All new ministers are vetted by Parliament. The expected fiery Q&A turned out to be quite a farce.

The Main Man got new ministers
The House promised vetting sinisters
But when appeared the Misses and Misters
Both sides oafed like brothers and sisters

*So, it is being officially acknowledged that government officials in Ghana have kind of always travelled with paid female companions. And the president referred to it as indiscretion?

So, officials go with Ghanaian Geisha girls
Paid for with the taxpayer’s pearls
While poverty and the national debt swirls
One more government is fluffing it in twirls

The Dominant Sense

Picture yourself all alone in a vacuum. What do you experience? Which of your senses strikes the sharpest? I isolate my fragrance and ‘mirage’ the walls closing in on me; my breathing breaks and pings like ice needles off imaginary walls. My most-alive sense is my sense of smell; then my sense of touch; then hearing. Back in the vacuum, what do you imagine you experience? What is your dominant sense?

It Must Have Been Love

As a tailspin-teenager, I had a creative crush on a new “Lil Lovely” every month. It started with a hottie called Amanda. At the swimming pool, I was looking at her looking at me, but we could not talk to each other. Later, we faux-flirted through our friends, and my song for her was “It Must Have Been Love” by Swedish duo, Roxette.

Another Cinderella-crush was buxom, French-Ivorian beauty, Chantal, who was 4 years older (and 100 light years sexier) than me, and who lived in Cocody, Abidjan. My ballad for her was “Impossible Love” by UB40.