Apapa Kama Sutra – There Was No Sex Before Camera Phones!

So a Junior High School boy and girl had a table-top tryst, and the boy folly-filmed it on his camera phone. Big donkey deal. Then, he went bananas and blue-toothed the clip to all the boys in the hood. Big deal. Boys will be boys. Then there was a crazy, chain reaction. Education authorities banned mobiles phones. As if the poor phones caused the sex. As if you can only have sex if you need a camera phone to have sex. Therefore if there were no camera phones, there would be no teen sex. Brilliant! Now the school has expelled the girl. In her private pleasure, she seems to have humiliated the school! Excellent thinking all-round. Now we can all forget about the development we dream of. Our educators know nothing! If I were a camera phone in Ghana right now, I would be very, very offended.

It Takes One Generation

A UN police commander just said on Al Jazeera that they are training the local police in Timor L’Este to take over law and order duties. He said it took one generation to achieve such a thing.

This brought my mind to the Ghanaian police and the changes it needs right here right now. It should also take one generation, no? One generation should it take to shake off the mentality it acquired post-colonially, and everything else. I'm talking about the bribery, the poorly investigated cases and the bullying.

All education, training, regeneration should take at least one generation to change things developmentally. How long is a Ghanaian generation? Twenty-five years? Maybe thirty. We best start finding that transformational education now.

“Cocaine Ghana”, Ghanaian Cocaine, Ghana & Cocaine

Cocaine and Ghana are easy to link. I cannot tell you when this began, but it has been helped in no small way by the current breed of politicians. I used “breed” deliberately (think of it). It does not matter in which government our security system became lax or in which period the State was suspected even of sponsoring the trade. So when our elected MPs spend the taxes tortured out of us empty-barrelling about whether it is Cocaine-NPP or Cocaine-NDC, then I’m asking for my wasted vote back with interest. 

Paying Crude-Oil Tithes to Ghana’s Western Region

Battle lines over revenue. Ghana. Ten regions. Oil in Western Region. Western Region chiefs want ten percent. Politicians not giving. Chiefs angry. If Western gets ten percent, do other nine regions get ten each too?

Snow Ploughs & Fractured Syllabi in Africa

A curious, colourful tale is spun about 1960s-Ghana. The facts are diverse and sometimes do not agree. Nobody has proved that it happened, but nobody has denied it too. I am going to tell you why I am about to tell you the story. Then, I will tell you the story itself. 

You already know that my pet topic is educating our young people – the practical, usable, developmental type that they are not getting. Well, the story is an analogy for our kayoed school syllabi not just in Ghana but many other African countries.

In the 1960s, the government was very committed to farming. Vast swathes of lush land were set aside for State farms all over the country. The government did not want to dump labourers on the land to till away like serfs. The country was still fresh from independence from British rule, and the government wanted to treat its people nice.

The government flew local experts to (I think it was) Czechoslovakia (remember that country?) to study from their own collectivised farms. Our experts were impressed with everything they saw. The preparation of the land, the sowing in neat, geometric rows, the tractors, detachable trailers, combine-harvesters; everything was agricultural heaven.

Our experts thanked their gracious hosts and resolved to come back and practise what they had learned in Ghana. Before they came, they ordered some of the wonderful equipment they had seen on the Czech farms.

A few months later, back in Ghana, the machinery arrived. Oh joy! They were trucked to the State farms all over the country and quickly put to work. BUT THE TRACTORS WOULD NOT WORK! It baffled the local experts because they had seen this same equipment on Eastern European farms.

The story does not end well. They did not live happily ever after. What our ‘experts’ had seen were not tractors. No! They were huge SNOW PLOUGHS! Our people had seen snow ploughs in temperate Czechoslovakia and imported them to equatorial Ghana.

Think back to my analogy about our school syllabi. Do you not see glaringly sad similarities?

(Picture credit - escocorp.com)

BlackBerry Call Card

My funny cousin, Nani, just told me something scant believable (by me). A man prints his BlackBerry PIN on his call card! This need of people to be ‘seen’ and contacted. Smh.

Where’s the Cheap Telecom Rates You Promised?

In the city of Accra, they promised candy-coin rates for telephone and internet use. They guaranteed that this nirvana would ‘snow’ on us with several network providers. We should have known from ‘snow’. We’ve waited for two years and more. The phone and ‘net’ budget is still running deep in citizen coffers. They play pretend-promotions and scrimp prizes you’ve paid for anyway through your bills. If you wanted a car or a phone or a paid dinner somewhere, you would have known where to go to.

(Picture credit - en.wikipedia.org)

Africa’s Dictators-in-Waiting

You brood of venomous vipers! How can you criticise the never-going leaders, when you yourselves have dominated the opposition for 20 years without letting new blood in? Wouldn’t you also (have) become stone statues in power?

How can there be only 1 person fit to govern or oppose out of millions. May whatever it was that exterminated the dinosaurs wipe you out – both the never-going leaders and the dictators-in-waiting who will become leaders who never go.

Disarming Mad Men with Weapons

A mentally deranged man stormed into a Takoradi hospital ER brandishing a machete. People ran helter-skelter. After many minutes, a brave youth faced down the aggressor with a cudgel. So, mentally deranged persons may be violent. Now wait for this. The police arrived at the hospital ten minutes late and “appealed to the public to always join forces to apprehend mentally deranged persons who might confront them in their vicinities with dangerous weapons before harm is caused.” 

The Demographics of Paedophilia in Ghana

Isn’t it strange that most of the men accused (and convicted) of sexual offences against children are block-layers, carpenters, farm-hands and mechanics? A new strain is pastors. What do you think? Are they victims themselves? Or...

The Dead among the Living in the City of Accra

How a private funeral parlour came to be knocked together in an upper middle class residential neighbourhood roundly reflects all that is awfully amiss with Ghanaian society. (See here)

The delay by the city authorities to dispose of this deathly delict foreshadows why we might as well all be dead just like the cadaver sleeping in the morgue. Nothing is changing here.

Language as a Tool for Cultural Domination

The Danger of Not Knowing Implied Meanings

King v Chief

Political leader of an identifiable European people (=nation) – King

Political leader of identifiable non-European people (=nation) – Chief

Priest v Fetish (Priest)

Religious leader of European creed – Priest

Religious leader on non-European creed – Fetish (priest)

Nation v Tribe

3 Million Welsh = Nation

5 Million Norwegians = Nation

10 Million Belgians = Nation

16 Million Dutch = Nation

25 Million Igbo = Tribe!

Icon v Idol

Deceased, revered European/Caucasian person – Icon

Deceased revered non-European/Caucasian person – Idol

Discovery of Lands

Amerigo Vespucci ‘discovered’ America. The full subconscious meaning: Amerigo Vespucci discovered America [for the human race]. What? The real Americans living there (and they’re not Indian) were not human?

I won’t  even talk about Christopher Columbus, Marco Polo or Mungo Park.

Black

Blackmail, Blackguard, Blacklist, Black mark, Black market, Black mass, Black sheep, etc.

Be careful what you learn. Teach your children. Let them avoid the inferiority meme.

Ghana’s Feckless Football Flops

I tell you, you must have proven intellectual or mental ability in order to successfully manage a government, a business, a project, an office or even a football team. Achieving more-than-fifty-percent successful outcomes doesn’t come from natural skill, former success, glib talk or pointless nationalism.

Therefore, the old Ghanaian footballers who have retired and cannot point to one successful business, or project or social campaign or coaching should shut the frigging, fetid, frigid F up and leave the national football team to proven performers be they Polish, Polynesian, Tasmanian or Tajik.

It takes supreme self-discipline to be empty and not make noise!

FOR THE RECORD, CITIZENSHIP IS NOT ENOUGH QUALIFICATION FOR ANYTHING! 

Owor Mpo Wo Girl*

A nugget I stumbled upon today. A bus-load of young agriculturists was on a field trip. They got to gang-teasing one of the boys about being single. Apparently, he could not talk to a girl. They said, “Owor mpo wo girl na wo” (to wit: even a snake has a girl; poor you).

I wondered how they knew that even a snake had a girl? Then the answer bit me at the heels - haven’t you ever seen a baby snake?

(Picture credit - radio-weblogs.com)

*Even a snake has a girl.

Teacher is Hanging

A teacher is playing Verb-Charades with his eight-year old pupils. He goes down on all fours, and they shout, “Teacher is crawling, teacher is crawling.”

He gets up off his hands and they scream, “Teacher is crouching, teacher is crouching.”

He stands up, and they yell, “Teacher is standing, teacher is standing.”

He starts bobbing on the spot, and they call out, “Teacher is jumping, teacher is jumping.”

From here, things take a macabre turn. The passion of the moment seizes the teacher, and he feels he must outdo himself to please his pupils. He puts a table in the middle of the classroom, just under the fan. Take stands on it and takes off his belt. He makes a noose and puts it around his neck.

As the teacher mimics a hanging man, the pupils break into the refrain, “Teacher is hanging, teacher is hanging.”

The teacher starts to dance to the rhythm of the pupils’ chants. He sways this way and that. He gyrates a bit too hard, and the table collapses under his feet. The children love it – their teacher can act so real!

Outside in the other classrooms, the teachers become a bit worried. The refrain, “Teacher is hanging” has been going on for ten minutes, and the devilment of the pupils is rising into a frenzy.

“Teacher is hanging, teacher is hanging”

When the other teachers run into the classroom, the teacher hangs dead from the ceiling fan!

(Picture credit - blogs.pitch.com)

Off-Screen Rivalry in the City of Accra (1)

Unhealthy rivalry can be wholesome. I see it unfolding in the movie industry. On their birthday, each ‘star’ adopts a charity to splurge on. Then, Affronted-Next-Friend-Competitor floors, licks and outshines them on their birthday. At the end of each year, the orphans savoured a banquet, the lepers were doted on in a day, and the rural kids relished a pledged, newly built classroom block.

Will the celebs continue one-upping one another next year, and the next, and the next? Why won’t one of them pay off the debt of the Tema Oil Refinery? Why won’t a second finish the Accra-Kumasi Road? Why won’t a third fix the inter-city rail that we so need in Accra? They believe that they have the clout to pull it off, no?

Anti-Farting Laws

So there’s a bill in parliament making ‘fouling the air’ an offence. One senior judge thinks it means go to the toilet if you need to “pui” or “tui” or “fuish”. Another thinks it simply is against air pollution. I say it even extends to dirty and smelly clothes and armpits (in the cities). However, this debate is very far away from Ghana. What do you think about this?

(Picture credit - munfitnessblog.com)

I've Fallen in Love... Times

Sunset at Worli Sea Face

How many times have I been in love? Let me see. Not counting yesterday's sunset, Lil Girl, Manchester United and Marion, 1000 times.

You?

Movie Production Cartels in Ghana and Nigeria

Movie producers in the 2 countries are trying to regulate the movie industry. As part of the plan, they want to control and moderate the number of actors from each country who feature in the flicks produced in the other. They have formed cartels, and they blacklist and ban any producer or actor who flouts their guidelines. These guidelines include getting a permit of a sort to work on movie sets in the other country. I’m not talking about the legal requirement of a work permit – the producers have their own additional permit. It is protectionism, right? But the producers in either country support it wholly, and even collaborate to enforce these restrictions. I guess if an actor is banned in both countries, they can move to Uganda.