Friday-Night Flirting at the Equator

Three pixilated girls flooded into the tavern in 60’s dresses and skittish excitement, licking cone ice cream in showy scoops, and letting their tongues hang out and linger a trice too long. They were lip-pouting and lash-batting at the crooner, one another and I, because I got to looking at their hats which didn’t fit quite right; they read my signals wrong.

The titillated tenor skipped away from his bandsmen, and triangulated to the tantalising trio. He picked out his interest – the slim one in the short, straight, cerise frock, swaying high above her long, boyish legs. She irrigates him with irradiating smiles, play-acting on his absorption, touching her heart in mock awe, beaming brighter.

Suddenly, they have to go. Lady-in-Red flicks a little, frisky wave at her smitten fascinator, and glides lightly out of the saloon. The crooner sings through Guantanamera, drops the mic and exits in leaps and bounds. One hour later, as we end our courtesy date and slide out, we bump into Crooner and Red Dress coquetting at the bar. Taking a keener ken, the misfit hats are off-key wigs! :-)

How I See the World Lately

Kwaku Ananse and his two kid brothers have two Valencia oranges to ration among them. Gloomy with the thought of divvying up equally, he finagles immediate intrigue, and starts working on an imaginary enemy.

He says, “But why should they give three of us only two oranges to split up?”

Ananse’s brothers are clearly clueless on his rabid ranting. Who is the fictitious foe?

“But I am your big brother, and I love you!”

The younger two are perplexed aplenty. The world is more likely than ever, these days, to distrust you if you speak of love.

“You take this huge one, and you, this lovely-looking one. You see I’ve given them both to you, and I, myself, don't have any.”

He carries a long, crumpled face, and volte-faces away from the two new, sole owners of the fleshy, tasty fruit, with head hanging low and drooping shoulders. He takes two slack steps and quickly turns around with fairly rehearsed grace. His eyes have gone dark and cloudy.

“Oh, won’t you give me just half of yours, and you, half of yours, pweeze?”

Confused about his earlier kindness and his present whimpering, each gives Ananse half of his prized possession. The crafty cur saunters away with one whole Valencia orange.

Gizmocide

She’s perched perky until the sun sinks, cutting ceaseless clicking sounds with her crystalline cuticles on the QWERTY. Every now and then, she electrifies the still air with her candied voice on the desk phone. Or she gleams in smiles and wiles at whoever walks in.

She commands, and chats with, the glowing LCD in the assured vocals of an e-expert, and fires urbane banter with me, while we wait for my pen drive to check in. She flirts, she sparkles, she menaces!

But when she’s done downloading the data from my doodad, she ejaculates it cold without pomp or preparation. And she’s just committed gizmocide! I get cracking back to the office, careworn to find out if my virtual info is, perhaps, immortal.

Driving to a T in the City of Accra

I looked languidly on the latest instalment as it unfolded squat in the umbra of the Police HQ. The callow caitiff was in fine flow controverting the cyclist cops to the point of perishing the thought that they really saw what they thought they saw – a traffic transgression.

The violated victim veiled his Factor-8-deficient face with his hands, in disconsolate disbelief. Betwixt plaintive cries, he’d part his fingers to take a peek at his damaged caoutchouc car.

People who drive in Accra do not know fault, will not accept mistakes, and will obfuscate fact with aggression and mob-attracting sabre rattling. Why are we so dishonest? So are we honest when we’re not driving?

Are Telenovelas for Women? Really?!

I was given to take on trust that maudlin telenovelas were a fantasy flight for weak-willed women played false by their possum-playing men; flapping wings to a magical land tingling with romantic possibility, fervid formication, all the lovely things their men would never be. I was made to empathise that, being un-soft and semi-pure to the more refined rarities of life, men esteemed these dainty distractions as weak wasteful nothings.

Gladly gaining home on cruise control from hell-frazzling work this evening, I acquired a thick throng pupating around a tiny TV set somewhere open air in the 37 zone. The light, fluid traffic allowed me to glide to a trickling pace to range the secret spectacle. The men outstripped the women, and they were narcosynthesising on “Second Chance”, a teledrama about love, betrayal and souls playing hopscotch from body to handsome body.

Making it Rain Suicidal in the City of Accra

Somebody’s kindly jetting in Phat Joe and Sean Kingston to stupefy the City of Accra. The concert tickets are aviating between GHS70 and GHS100 (read $70 and $100). Stupendous! I wonder: would the rates be that interplanetary in NYC or London? Local artistes will play with them, no? How much of the astral takings will our own galactic Ghanaians be earning? Am I the only one who appreciates that while Tinny, Samini and Co. run excellent stagecraft at live events, these huge hip hop stars with sizzling music videos flop feebly on the stage?

Sexist Sex Laws

Anwar Ibrahim – a man I’ve almost venerated; victim of peccant political arch-foes; mis-tried, mis-convicted and sordidly shamed for sodomy. Now fresh allegations of base buggery have crept out of the public rectum against him. In his defence, he has set up an ancient law. What stupid, inane law requires four witnesses to prove a sexual offence?

Hasn’t sex been a private show since Adam and Eve daringly displayed sexual paradise in an open garden under an apple tree? Except for opiate orgies, doesn’t group sex almost always mean gang rape? Who would ever get four willing witnesses? Anwar may be innocent, but he’s not playing fair by invoking this law.

Will the gang of four who raped or sodomised you testify in court for you? I may forgive Anwar, but such a donkey law only encourages rape and sodomy – that is awfully crude! I don’t care if I have trampled on tender toes. And I hope my withering words are a piping white rod in the a**h*le or hymen of those who support such a law!